


totally not imaginary boyfriend

by tennisnotensai



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, M/M, i guess it's kinda fluffy too???, is this a crack fic? honestly idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 19:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19012489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tennisnotensai/pseuds/tennisnotensai
Summary: "I told you. I have a boyfriend. He goes to another uni. You don't know him.""Sure thing, Yuu-chan. Sure thing."





	totally not imaginary boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** OOCness, English is not my first language, inconsistent tenses, not beta'd
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** No copyright infringement intended.
> 
>  **A/N:** this was an exercise in writing in present tense. which, as always, i failed, because i'm spectacularly bad at verb tenses.

Kanda doesn't want to hide it, but he doesn't want to flaunt it either; it just never came up in conversation, and now that it did, no one believed him.

"I told you," Kanda says through gritted teeth, his fist enclosing a can of soda in a death grip. "I have a boyfriend. He goes to another uni. You don't know him."

Lavi has known Kanda since they were in elementary. Aside from that one kid named Alma who tragically died when they were in middle school, Kanda has never shown any romantic inclination towards anyone, so no one can blame Lavi—or Lenalee, who's still looking distrustfully at Kanda—when he said that he had a boyfriend. What's more surprising is not Kanda's admitting to having a relationship with another man—there was Alma after all—but that he is in a relationship at all, so Lavi just says, "Sure thing, Yuu-chan. Sure thing."

There was a _crunch_ , and soda oozes out of Kanda's palm. Lenalee grimaces and Lavi eyes the poor can as Kanda seethes, " _Do not call me that, Bookman_."

Lavi holds both of his hands up in half-surrender and half-attempt to calm Kanda down. Lenalee, who is sitting beside Lavi, inches closer to him, as if being nearer her boyfriend will protect her from any future lashings out from Kanda.

As if Kanda ever hurt her.

"You see, Yuu—" Kanda glares at him and Lavi corrects himself, "—Kanda. You see, Kanda, we find that hard to believe, considering that you're not exactly Mr Congeniality."

Lenalee nods, absentmindedly twirling spaghetti with her fork. "You have a beautiful face and a physique that would make most men jealous, but your personality, is, well…"

Kanda snorts. Whatever even started this topic? Oh right, this coming Saturday where Lavi and Lenalee invited him to see a movie and when he replied that he can't because he has a date. Well. That was just him digging his own grave, wasn't it? But what should he have replied instead, another excuse? His boyfriend deserves better than that. "Whatever. Believe it or not, he's real and he's a business major."

"And his name?" Lenalee prompts as she picks a French fry from Lavi's plate.

"Bean sprout," Kanda answers without hesitation.

Lavi and Lenalee still, and then they look at each other with one question etched on their faces: _What?_

"I don't mean your pet name for your totally not imaginary boyfriend," Lenalee says, which earns her a glare from Kanda. "I meant your totally not imaginary boyfriend's _real_ name."

Kanda scowls. "First of all, he is _not_ imaginary. Second, it's not my 'pet name' for him."  Kanda says the words "pet name" as if he had just eaten a rotten egg. "That's his name. Bean sprout."

Lavi and Lenalee share twin looks of befuddlement. "Okay," Lavi says, dipping a French fry into a mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise. "Show us pictures, then."

Kanda balks. Of course he has pictures of him and his boyfriend, but they're private, meant only for their eyes. And they're not even, ah, risqué photos of them; it's just them being dumb and doing the usual couple-y things. But Kanda's frowning in most of them, of course.

He turns his head away. On his cheeks is a dusting of red so faint one will have to lean in very close to see it. "…No."

Lavi and Lenalee exchange knowing smiles.

"Uh-huh," Lenalee says. "Maybe it's not that you don't wanna show us."

Lavi completes Lenalee's thought. "Maybe it's because you can't, because you don't have any pictures with your totally not imaginary boyfriend."

So this is the price for wanting to make his personal life private—his friends patronising him? Well. So be it. What he has with his significant other is something so precious he doesn't want the world to spoil it just yet.

"His socials, then," Lenalee says. "What are his Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter? Does he have a blog?"

"He's not on any social media," Kanda answers. Which isn't really helping his case, because Lavi and Lenalee are sharing yet another one of those knowing looks. But they don't know anything at all. So he tries to explain, "He's trying to stay off the grid. There are people out there who'd pay good money for his head."

Lavi nodded. "You won't tell us his name, you won't show us pictures of him, you won't give us his socials, and apparently, he's a dangerous bloke. Okay. Have fun on your date with your totally not imaginary boyfriend this Saturday."

Kanda closed his eyes and willed his heart rate to return to normal. Lavi was irritating the hell out of him, and if that irritation turns into rage, there's no telling what Kanda will do.

"How about I introduce you to him after classes?" Kanda says—more like challenges. He wanted to keep his bean sprout all to himself just for a little while longer, but he thinks that it's about time that he introduced him to his friends, if only to stop them from setting him up on blind dates.

Lavi tuts. "Yuu-chan, are you sure you can hire an actor in such a short notice?"

Lenalee laughs and Kanda scowls.

"Okay," Kanda concedes, "I'll call him and put him on loudspeaker, then ask if he could meet with me after his classes so I can introduce him to the both of you. But don't talk to him."

Lavi and Lenalee share yet another look. Kanda was getting tired of them doing that.

"Oookaaaaaay," Lavi says. "I'd say that you'll call one of your friends and have him pretend to be your boyfriend, but oh, that's right, I'm the only male friend you've got."

Lenalee laughs—more like guffaws—in an unladylike manner. It's one of the things that Lavi loves about her—she's as girly as the girl next door, but she doesn't have qualms about being unladylike.

Kanda clenches his fists until he realises that he's holding his phone. So he relaxes his fists, tinkers with his phone, and lays it out on the table, the phone flashing モヤシ as the caller ID and a picture of a lone bean sprout on the background.

"Bean sprout, huh?" Lavi says offhandedly as they wait for the person on the other end of the line to answer.

"Because he _is_ a bean sprout," Kanda answers.

Finally, the line clicks, and Lavi and Lenalee wait with bated breath. Is this a prank? Does Kanda really have a boyfriend?

"Hey, Kanda," the voice from the other line says. "I was just getting my lunch. What's up?"

" _Oooh, he's British_!" Lenalee coos, then she turns to Kanda and whispers, "Are you the Elizabeth to his Mr Darcy?"

Lavi snickers.

"Err," says the person—"Bean sprout"—from the phone. "Kanda, are you with someone?"

"His phone is on loudspeaker!" Lavi almost shouts. He is vibrating like a hyperactive puppy. "I'm Lavi, Kanda's friend, and my girlfriend Lenalee is here too."

"Hi," Lenalee says. "I'm Lenalee."

"I told you not to talk to him!" Kanda says, but his friends ignore him.

"Oh, Lavi and Lenalee," says 'Bean sprout.' "Kanda told me about the two of you."

"Did he really?" Lenalee asked, shooting Kanda an inquisitive glare.

However, before "Bean sprout" could answer, Lavi interrupted him with a question. "Are you really Kanda's boyfriend? Because I and my girlfriend can't believe him. I mean, can you imagine him being in a relationship?"

"I told you," Kanda hisses, "he's my boyfriend!"

There was silence on the other end of the line. And then, "Hmm… You're right, it's hard to imagine him being in a relationship. Just the thought of that makes me chuckle. Anyway, Kanda, mate, are you still up for Saturday? And for goodness's sake, I told you, I'm not gonna pretend to be your boyfriend unless you pay me!"

Lavi and Lenalee give Kanda a _See? We've told you_ look while Kanda glares at his phone. If he had laser eyes, his phone would have burnt to a crisp by now.

That nasty little fucker. Of course he would do that. The bean sprout said that he doesn't mind that they're not public yet, because even his own circle of friends still don't know about them, but really, Kanda should have seen this coming. That twat would take any and every chance he could get to fuck with Kanda.

"Just kidding," the bean sprout says before chuckling. "Oh, blimey, how did Kanda look?"

" _Bean sprout_ ," Kanda says through gritted teeth. " _I am going to kill you._ "

"You keep saying that, yet here I am, still alive and kicking."

" _I'm going to kick you!_ "

"I love you too, darling."

Lavi clears his throat and Kanda glowers at him.

"Soooooo," Lavi says into Kanda's phone, "are you or are you not Kanda's boyfriend?"

Kanda snorts. "I told you, he is, though what possessed me to ask him out remains a mystery."

" _You_ asked him out?" Lenalee asks with childish glee.

Kanda grimaced. He just keeps on digging his own grave, doesn't he?

"He did," says the bean sprout. "He was—"

"Stop right there," Kanda interrupts. "Say anything more and I'll end you."

"Hold up," Lavi says, barely getting a word in edgeways. "Erm, Mr Bean Sprout—"

"Allen," Allen says. "That's my name. But I'd bet my savings that Kanda didn't tell you that."

"No," Lavi replies, amused. Beside him, Lenalee is listening to the conversation like she's eavesdropping on something juicy, while Kanda gives them the stink eye. "So, Allen, were you just joking earlier when you said you're not Yuu-chan's—"

"Stupid rabbit!" Kanda says.

"—boyfriend? Like, are you two really an item?"

Allen laughs. The phone made his laugh sound tinny, but had he been there with him, Kanda is certain that his back will be arched as his whole body shook with laughter. "I am. Hard to believe, but I am. And you know what? Why don't we go to the funfair later? I'd love to meet the two of you."

"I changed my mind. You won't be meeting them any time soon," Kanda says. "These two are—"

"Not going to believe you have a boyfriend," Lenalee says, "until we meet said boyfriend."

From the phone, Allen says, "You heard them, darling. Now, what time shall the four of us meet up?"

 

==

 

Lenalee and Lavi love Kanda. They've known each other for a long time, and while their love for him isn't unconditional—Kanda needs a good smack in the head sometimes—they, without a doubt, love him fiercely. So when they learned that he is apparently in a relationship—which is doubtful in the first place—of course they wanna meet his significant other, maybe give him the shovel talk.

But considering Kanda's stellar attitude, he's gonna be the one they have to give the shovel talk to.

They decided to meet up at six p.m. in front of Lenalee, Lavi, and Kanda's university gate since it's closer to the funfair, but they purposely made themselves late. They arrived at six-thirty, hoping to catch a candid glimpse of Kanda and Allen to dispel their doubts. Because even at this point, they were still debating whether Allen was part of a theatre troupe or not.

They hide behind a wall when they saw Kanda standing by himself. They share looks, as if asking why Kanda was alone.

A few seconds later, they see someone running, and then stop beside Kanda.

They creep closer to hear the conversation.

Nope, they are not spying on their friend. Not at all.

"Sorry I'm late," the newcomer—presumably Allen—says. "I got lost."

Kanda clucks his tongue. "You've been here before."

"Yeah, but only a handful of times. Where are your friends?"

They stare at Allen. He was wearing a hoodie, but even with the hood, they can make out white hair, and were his eyebrows white too? They can't see his eye colour, but there was a tattoo—scar? That's gotta be a tattoo—running down the left side of his face. And he was wearing a glove on his left hand while the other was bare. The wind might still be a bit chilly, but not chilly enough to wear gloves. Or glove.

The guy... has his own style, definitely. Good. Individualism is good.

"Not here yet," Kanda says, slightly irritated. "Lavi probably took a nap and overslept."

"Hmm," Allen says, sidling up to Kanda. He hooks his arm on Kanda's and says, "I really want some candy floss."

"I'll buy you ten if you can beat me in a shooting game."

"Oh really? You seem to be forgetting that I was raised in the circus."

"And you told me all the tricks. I think I can beat you."

Allen raises an eyebrow and looks at Kanda in the eyes. "Is that a challenge?"

Kanda looks back with a smirk. "It's not a challenge if I'm going to win."

Even from their hiding spot, Lenalee and Lavi could feel the... sexual tension radiating off those two. If Allen were an actor, then he's a damn good one, and his chemistry with Kanda is shooting off the charts. Especially if Kanda—

Kanda leans in and places his lips against Allen's, and then pulls back, saying something they couldn't hear.

They exchange looks and Lavi says, "Those two really are dating, aren't they?"

Lenalee nods.

Maybe they should apologise to Kanda for making fun of him earlier.

They step out of their hiding place and pretend to be exhausted from "rushing" all the way to their meeting place.

"You're late," Kanda says with an imperious glare.

"Sorry," Lenalee says, putting on a show by panting slightly. "Lavi overslept."

Lavi, with his hands on his knees for added effect, says, "We're not late."

"Thirty minutes after the meeting time we agreed on?" says Kanda.

"We're not late, nor are we early. We arrived precisely when we meant to. Everyone knows that the real fun starts on seven p.m.," Lavi replies, and then he turns to Allen and says, "You must be Allen."

"Allen Walker," Allen says, extending his right hand. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise. I'm Lavi Bookman," Lavi replies, shaking Allen's hand.

Allen turns to Lenalee. "And you must be Lenalee."

"Lenalee Lee," she says. "It's so nice to meet you. Though we still can't believe that our Kanda here finally snagged himself someone."

"And I can't believe I let him snag me. But love is blind, as they say."

The three share a laugh while Kanda scowls at them. Kanda has a feeling that he'll be doing that a lot in the years to come.

 

\--

 

All throughout the night, Lenalee and Lavi exchange looks ranging from amused, confused, to shocked. They've watched Kanda and Allen hold hands, try to beat each other in games (it was a tie), and share popcorn. Well, maybe not really share because Kanda only ate a kernel or two and Allen demolished the rest (as well the candy floss, funnel cake, and tonnes or other funfair food).

Despite all this, they remained somehow dubious, because really? Kanda a.k.a. Mr I Don't Do Emotions? It was really hard to believe, until during the fireworks show when instead of looking at the fireworks, they saw Kanda staring at Allen with a soft and gentle smile on his face that they had never seen on him before.

They learned a lot of things about Allen. About his hair ("Extreme trauma, the doctor said."), his facial scar—yep, it was indeed a scar—("An unfortunate... accident."), his arm ("I was born with it."), why he wasn't in the UK ("My legal guardian took me here."), and why isn't he on any social media ("I'm... trying to keep a low profile."). Those weren't things that one tells on their first meeting with strangers, and Allen certainly was in no way obligated to tell them, but he said, "I'm in it for the long haul with this guy. You two will eventually know of my history. Why not scratch the surface now?"

Lenalee and Lavi decided that Allen doesn't need to the shovel talk, because anyone who could make Kanda look as soft as that during the fireworks display, and his comment about being with Kanda for the long haul, were enough to convince them that this new guy in their lives won't hurt their precious friend. They don't know him well enough, but there's plenty of time to get to know him.

 

\--

 

"You two are quiet," Kanda says on their way back. It's getting quite late, but the fair still has quite the number of people milling around. "Not that it's a bad thing, though."

"We were just thinking," Lavi replies, because of course he was thinking the same thing as his girlfriend. "It was hard to believe at first, but I think we now understand why you two got together."

Kanda arches an eyebrow. Meanwhile, Allen runs to the ice cream stall not too far from them.

"You two complement each other," Lenalee says. "Like the sun and the moon. Yin and yang. Two sides of the same coin."

Kanda snorts. "And earlier you won't believe me about being with him."

"Well," Lavi says, "that was before meeting him. 'Sides, I don't think you'd willingly kiss an actor you hired."

Lenalee snickers. "Kissing when they think no one's looking? Aw, that was very cute."

Kanda frowns. "Shut up both you, now."

Allen trots over to them, holding a cone with three scoops of strawberry ice cream. "You guys sure you don't want some? It's  pretty good."

"You gotta stop eating," Kanda tells him. "You do nothing but eat."

"That hotdog-eating contest was enough for me," Lavi says, patting his stomach.

"I already ate some earlier," says Lenalee. "You really have a big appetite, don't you?"

"You have no idea," Kanda says as if he's suffering a grave problem.

They continue to walk home until they reach the part where they go their separate ways. Lavi, Lenalee, and Kanda live in the same area, but Allen, being in another university, is heading the other way, and Kanda decides to accompany him.

"I can go home by myself, thank you," Allen says.

"Well I wanna come with," Kanda replies like a petulant child.

Lenalee laughs softy. These two can be so cute at times.

Allen snorts and says under his breath, "You just wanna pay me out of your friends' sights. Kisses cost extra, remember. Theatre school ain't cheap."

Lavi and Lenalee share a questioning look while Kanda looks bewildered, and then aghast, and then irritated. He groans and then growls, " _Bean sprout_..."

"What—Is this—?" Lavi, with his eyebrows knitted, says at the same time Lenalee says, "Are you two—?"

And suddenly, Allen laughs loudly. He's laughing so hard he's bending down, holding on to Kanda for support When his laughter dies down, he places a loud smack on Kanda's cheek, even though Kanda's looking murderous.

"No, real talk," Allen says, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "Kanda told me how you wouldn't believe him earlier. I just wanted a little revenge. I'm his totally not imaginary boyfriend, and we are totally dating."

"If you wanted revenge," Kanda tells him, "you could have told me. I'd _destroy_ these two."

"You gotta fool your friends first before fooling your enemies," Allen says with a wink. "No offence, darling, but you'll be a terrible actor. At least I have my circus background as a credential."

"Let me just get this thing straight," Lavi says. "You two are dating. For realsies? You're not a hired actor?"

"Why is my hiring of an actor much more believable than me having a significant other?" Kanda says, levelling Lavi with a look.

"We were believing you," says Lenalee, "and then Allen had to say this bit about being an actor, and now we're just confused."

Kanda groans and then tells Allen, "Your plan backfire. Look at them now. They're just confused."

"And you wanted in on my plan."

"What plan? If you call that a plan, that was a crappy one. I would have thought of something better."

"You? Think? You sure you won't get brain damage from all that thinking?"

"Guys, guys," Lavi says. "Stop. We believe you. Okay? We really do. And maybe we deserve that."

"You are already nailing that whole old married couple routine," Lenalee says. "And you're just dating for, what, five months?"

"And not a lot of people have the guts to talk back to Kanda," Lavi says. He slings his arm over Allen's shoulder and adds, "And you, my friend, are a pretty gutsy one. I like you, my man."

"That was a quick 360," Kanda observes.

"Eh," Lavi says, shrugging. "I figured you would rather avoid arguments, including scripted ones. Besides, why go through the trouble of hiring an actor?"

"And you've been working hard to make us believe you," says Lenalee. "For you to care this much about another person... You're all grown up, Kanda."

Lavi wipes a fake tear off his lone visible eye. "You did give us a taste of our own medicine, but we're so proud of you."

Kanda rolls his eyes. "Go home, you two."

"Okay, okay," Lavi says, taking his girlfriend by the hand. "Have fun, you two. And use protection!"

Lenalee bids them goodbye and Kanda groans. Allen, however, just laughs.

"I like them," Allen says as Kanda walks him home hand-in-hand.

"I don't like them," Kanda replies.

"And you've been friends with them for almost a decade. You like them, darling."

Kanda scoffs.

Sometime later, Kanda will be introduced to Allen's friends, and maybe they'll give Allen a ribbing for a few minutes because _Why didn't you tell us you're dating someone?_ and _This guy? Really? He's an ass!_ , but for now, he'll walk Allen to his dorm room, he'll kiss him good night, then he'll go back to his dorm, and then he'll smother Lavi to sleep. He'll get his revenge by his own hands.

Kanda doesn't want to hide their relationship, but he doesn't want to flaunt it either. But now that the cat's out of the bag, well, better let it roam free.

**Author's Note:**

> i thought of this silly idea a couple of weeks back while i was doing my grocery shopping. i liked the first half, but i rewrote the second half so many times, and i still hate how it turned out. oh well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> also i stayed true to my roots for this one by ignoring the existence of plots and outlines and completely pantsing it. hurray for pantsers!


End file.
